Paul and Storm are jerks (and other stories)

I am swapping my usual Monday routine with this, my factual account of W00tstock 2.7.  W00tstock 2.7 occurred on Friday, October 29th in New York City, New York at the Best Buy Theatre. 

This past weekend I drove up to New York City because Paul and Storm asked me to meet up with them and listen to some songs.  Apparently they also invited some other people because about 150 complete strangers showed up.  Then, instead of it being just Paul and Storm, it was a medley of artists.  Some of them didn’t even play songs, but I am getting ahead of myself. 

Paul and Storm are jerks.

Setting aside the nearly two hundred total strangers, with whom the only thing I had in common was everything I do when I am not working, I took issue with the amount of time these guys put into our meeting.  I am sure you have heard of epic Led Zeppelin concerts where the band played for four and half hours.  Well get this...Paul and Storm and their horde of guests...they were barely on the stage for 4 hours and 5 minutes!  That’s nearly 25 minutes less than those epic Zeppelin concerts.  Four semi-solid hours...that’s all there was to it.  Oh they tried to make up for it by waiting around after the show and signing everything put in front of them by a long line of fans.  You know what?  I got in that line towards the back, and when I got to the front I found out how they were artificially boosting their minutes...they were laughing and smiling and talking with their fans.  And it wasn’t just them.  I have proof...photographic proof that almost every one of their guest had parked themselves at the head of that line doing the same thing.  

It takes a lot of gall to smile and laugh and talk to all of the people in line and treat them like they were old friends.  A lot of gall.  


Paul and Storm are artists...of the con artist variety.


You might not remember him, especially if you have never seen The Secret of Nihm, but there is this writer slash actor guy named Wil Wheaton.  Well, Paul and Storm claim to be friends with Wil.  They even have his picture on the poster they were giving away (although it looks like it was taken from an early 90’s Namco game).  It turns out, they hired some guy from Brooklyn to pretend to be Wil.  And the guy they got...Jonathan something...he didn’t look anything like Wil Wheaton.  He didn’t even read The Trade, which is a story that Wil Wheaton wrote about his childhood love of trash compactor monsters and his inability to spell.  Instead this Coulton guy got on stage and sang songs.  And get this...ready...he didn’t even sing songs anyone knew.  I mean nobody had heard this one song he did called “Good Morning Tuscon”.  He tried to throw us off by claiming to have just written it.  I don’t know if I believe him, though, it sounded a little too polished, a little too good, if you ask me.  


Paul and Storm are liars.


Remember when I mentioned that not everyone sang songs during this brief four hour concert thing?  (w00tstock?  What do they have against the letter o?  It’s like they use an entirely different language to speak to their fanatics.)  There were two “non-singers” and one half-non-singer.  The first non-singer apparently runs a website that has been around for 12 years.  Sheesh.  My website is a whole order of magnitude newer than that!  So this Fark guy gets up in front of everyone and starts pointing out the mistakes of all the real media people out there.  Everyone was laughing the whole time, which seemed really mean.  I am sure those television people were trying their best!  It isn’t their fault that the best they could do was get hired by Fox News.

The second guy took the cake though.  He spent the entire time talking about Star Wars and specifically C3PO.  That part was alright...but...honestly...did he have to go into incredible behind the scenes never before heard details about it?  I mean, if I wanted to hear this MythBuster guy talk about robots I would watch his show on TV, right?  Instead he spent twenty minutes telling everyone stuff that has never made it into any DVD commentary or anything...complete with pictures and anecdotal stories covering over ten years.  Editors exist for a reason, Grant.

The half non-singer was the funny one from MythBusters who is always telling people “don’t try this”.  Ok...he told awkward coming of age and poop stories so I guess I can’t complain about his time on stage.  And he did a rendition of Gollum singing “I Will Survive”.  But other than making us laugh for twenty five minutes he didn’t really bring anything else to the table.

The bright spot of the evening was an Alaskan singer and songwriter named Marian Call.  Marian Call is an excellent and funny singer, a poor typist, has troubles with the TSA, and is very very bad at scheduling her tours.  Apparently she is wrapping up a 50 state tour and then returning to her home state...in the middle of winter!  I guess people felt really sorry for her because after the show about forty people bought her CD.  (Full disclosure, I did too).  

Paul and Storm scrounged up some local talent who wasn’t that bad.  It turns out I have a lot of 1st World Problems and this Frontalot fellow had made an exhaustive list.  It was a little embarrassing. I took a picture of him making fun of my plight.


Paul and Storm are bad at politics.


You know and I know that the Presidents of the United States of America have more than one drummer.  Well, all night Paul and Storm kept insisting that they were playing with the drummer from the Presidents of the United States of America.  This is an outright lie and bad politics on the part of Paul and Storm, especially with election day right around the corner (VOTE!!)  I am getting ahead of myself but the guy they had drumming for them isn’t a marine...he is a Green Lantern.  Again, I have proof...photographic proof:

Paul and Storm are hungry.


Here is where the devilry of Paul and Storm goes from your everyday, ha-ha-ha we tricked you into thinking a singer from Brooklyn was Wil Wheaton, into the unbelievable but true zone - like coke and mentos waterfalls.


So this Green Lantern, Jason Finn, invited the C3PO Mythbuster guy, Grant, to his swanky hipster-ridden hotel for an after show party.  But my friend, Nerdsherpa, had already convinced Grant that he should go out for a beer with us.  So instead of coming out with us, Grant tricked us into hanging out with Green Lantern Finn at his swanky hipster-ridden hotel.  We didn’t even get to spend five minutes in the hipster-filled lobby bar before we were taken upstairs to the apartment-sized “room” he called his “room”.


I took all this in stride because I didn’t want to hurt Grant’s feelings and I didn’t want to get blasted by Green Lantern Finn’s Power Ring.  I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything when I found out that Coulton guy, the Fark fellow, and that MC Frontalot dude were in the room already.  I took it in stride when Green Lantern Finn commanded us to drink his beer.  And I tolerated sitting between Marian Call and MythBuster C3PO Grant.  But when Paul and Storm showed up...last...carrying deli meats, cheeses, and sliced bread, I just about blew my top.


Apparently Paul and Storm were “hungry” and then, through some sort of hypnotic suggestion, convinced everyone else that they were ravenous.  They practically forced me to make a sandwich and eat with them.  


So there I was, eating a sandwich, drinking a beer, while Coulton was speaking with Finn about [SPOILER].  Meanwhile Front was talking Alaskan politics with Marian.  And I was merely trying to have a conversation with Grant.  Let me tell you about this Grant guy...he wouldn’t shut up.  Every time we asked him a question he smiled and gave us an interesting and detailed answer.  Talk talk talk talk talk.  Stories about the show, stories about robots, stories about all sorts of things.  And I mean for hours...and I wasn’t the only one asking questions.  He would answer regardless of who was asking him things.


Well, this went on until nearly 3 am.  Conversations, jokes, laughter, food, beer.  Eventually, as we were wrapping things up, the ultra hipster hotel security (and by that I mean the hotel’s security was ultra hipster) knocked on the door and Green Lantern Finn had to assure them that we were all headed out anyway.

After only spending eight straight hours hanging out with me, Paul and Storm just up and wandered off into the night.  Grant got into a taxi and tried to run me over in classic New York style.  And my friend Nerdsherpa and I stumbled back to our hotel.


So to sum up, Paul and Storm...you probably don’t remember me, but I assure you that I won’t forget the way you treated me that night.  I won’t forget anything about it.  Ever.