Monday, October 25, 2010

The Superhero Date Conundrum

“She is completely amazing.”

“Her name is Lady Change, I think she can look as hot as she want at any given time.  And besides, you have to look good to wear a cape, I think that might actually be in the city’s bylaws.”

“No I mean...yes, of course she looks great, but it’s more than that.  She...she...sigh.  Everything she does is amazing.  Like that time...”

“She is a superhero.  Again, it comes with the territory.  Mind you, she has the power of a chameleon so it isn’t like she is going to save people from burning buildings or tackle Brickhouse.”

“You don’t need super strength or invulnerability to be a great superhero.  Look at the Living Flame, he didn’t have any of that and...”

“And he ended up dead in the East River, if I recall correctly.  Your Lady doesn’t mix it up is all I am saying, she has a polished public persona...”

“She connects with her fans.”

“Her publicist replied to you on Twitter, I don’t think that counts.”

“That was a verified account!”

“Easy, easy.  Ok, the love of your life, Lady Change, replied to you on Twitter, once.  Big deal.”

“She is completely amazing.”

“And we are back to this.”

“Hey I was having a really crappy Monday until that happened.  She saved my day, literally.”

“And you haven’t shut up about it for three hours.  Look, she is dating what’s his name, anyway...Vapor Trail.  You don’t have a shot even if you do live in the same city.”

“Bah, everyone knows Vapor Trail is just trying to make Miss Magnet jealous, the relationship won’t last.  It’s just for show.”

“Honestly, where do you find the time to keep up with all that crap.  It wouldn’t matter if she was single, you don’t have a chance.  You can’t date her.  You aren’t a superhero.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“How dense are you?  Only superheroes can date other superheroes.”

“Says who?”

“...Says...physics...look, Miss Magnet right?  Powers over all thing magnetic.  Do you think she has an iphone?  An ipod?  A credit card?  No.  She doesn’t have any of that because if she did it would be a useless piece of junk in seconds.  So say you are out on a date with her, she isn’t going to pay...she doesn’t have any money on her.”

“She could be carrying cash.”

“Not in that outfit.”

“I could be carrying cash.”

“Where are you going to eat?  Just grab a table somewhere?  She is going to trash every piece of equipment in the place just by walking to her table, so forget going out to eat ever.  Or going to a club.  Nope, it’s delivery, every night, forever.  Reading books by candlelight.”

“That sounds romantic.”

“No TV, no radio, no Netflix, no Xbox, no Twitter...I hope you love her because it is just you and her...can’t have friends over.  It’s a nightmare.  I think I am starting to see why Vapor Trail is with Lady Change.”

“Ok, well that is just Miss Magnet, it doesn’t mean it can’t work with someone else.”

“Really?  Ok...let’s see...super strength, death by hugs.  Super speed, probably give you fatal concussion in bed.  Sound powers...blown eardrums.  Flying...”

“How is she going to kill me with flying?”

“She isn’t, but she sure is hell isn’t going to carry you all over town.  Your whole relationship will be surrounded by the words ‘See you in about an hour’ because it will take you that long to get anywhere.  Meanwhile she could have flown to the restaurant, had dinner, and called it a night already.”

“You are picking the worst case scenarios and hanging everything on that.  I could date Lady Change.  All she does is change into things.  Nothing about that is dangerous.”

“Well then consider for a minute all of the crazy crap that surrounds superheroes.  How many times has Lady Change and Vapor Trail been in the news lately...other than the gossipy stuff?”

“Well there was that thing at the U.N...and uh...the airport thing...and I think they were up in Boston for something but everyone was really vague on the details.”

“So, three times in the past...two weeks?  And that is just the stuff we hear about.  How many crazies and nutjobs, excluding love-struck fanboys such as yourself, try to take shots at capes every week?  Plenty.  If you dated a superhero you would just get caught up in the crossfire.  You’d become some sad little raison d’etre for your superhero to go from Lady Change to Lady Hunger or something.”

“That’d be cool.  I would be a part of history!”

“You’d be dead!  Or hideously wounded or insane or both or all three.  Superheroes only date superheroes.  Sorry, buddy, that is just the way it is.”

“No, wait! What about the ones with secret identities?  I could be the man in her normal life, constantly looking the other way just in time or wondering why she keeps going to the bathroom or something.  All the while she is saving the day leaving me completely unaware of her super identity.”

“Two problems.  One, you are living a lie.  You aren’t dating a superhero at that point, you are dating the librarian or the shop clerk or whatever.  You could be doing that now except you are too chicken to ask anyone out.”

“Jerk.”

“Two.  Do you really want to be the primary source of conflict in her life?  If you don’t know she is a superhero then she has to spent countless hours keeping that from you.  She has to rescue you from ridiculous situations every month.  She has to pretend not to get jealous when you start falling for her superhero persona, because you will.  You will be used as a lever against her and she will have to make all sorts of banal choices that she would otherwise not have to make if you just knew.  Which is why superheroes only date other superheroes.  The Brickhouse isn’t going to capture Vapor Trail and hold him hostage...he’s made of freaking mist.  You on the other hand...”

“She really did reply to me on Twitter.”

“True love, buddy.  It must be true love.”



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Geek - Gamer - Librarian - Writer. Only awesome at one of those things at a time, unfortunately.

About Fading Interest

After writing op-eds and travelogues for several years, after finishing a few books, and after failing to get the ball rolling with project after project I stumbled into an idea that might just hold my interest long enough to enjoy some level of satisfaction with my writing.