Friday, February 26, 2010

If the jeans button wear them

In January of 2005, in part to assuage my wretched four dollar shame of a multi McGriddle breakfast followed by a multi double cheeseburger dinner and in part a successful attempt to improve my chances of dating a beautiful girl who would crush my soul a short nine months later, I gave up McDonald's for all eternity.  In the spring of 2007, to both prove a different ex-girlfriend correct when she said while waving goodbye that I would look great if I dropped 30 pounds and to attract a jealousy inspiring anyone for that day of proof-giving, I began exercising in earnest.  I gave up many comforts and pushed my body to the breaking point by grinding out mile after gloriously moderate North Carolina mile.  By the end of 2007 I had lost thirty pounds and could knock out a ten mile run without much difficulty.  In late January of 2008 I fell into the second darkest depression of my adult life...oh wait...third.  I forgot about another ex-girlfriend.  The pounds returned, the miles went away, and life crawled on.  

All of these events are related.

I began a weight watchers program in November of 2009, at long last tired by my failed attempts at giving up life to lose weight I shouldn't carry, angry at my inability to conform to any level of socializing norms wherein I could actually find a companion, and worried when I was no longer comfortable within my own clothes.  At its essence, the program was not about giving up.  Weight watchers is not a diet, it is a life style change.  It provided me with mathematical structure and useful substitutions timed to arrive each week at my meetings, arming me for the week ahead.  I fell into it with gusto and found that I liked the system.  I did not have to give anything up that I truly desired, I merely had to account for it.  The freedom of that realization was uplifting.  I can handle life style change - I did with McDonald's and never looked back.  What I cannot handle is sacrifice.  On my tear through 2007 I gave up many many things in the all consuming pursuit of proving I could be a better person if only I looked better.  Since November, the only thing I have given up is an occasional lunch at Panera.  (Seriously, the bacon turkey bravo is sixteen points...sixteen!!)

Once at a meeting I was asked what pushed me to keep with the program, to make the adjustments, and to avoid the temptations that exist everywhere a table next to a microwave can be found within a corporate workplace.  I told them about 2007 and how at the end of it all, I purchased a pair of jeans in celebration.  In December of 2007 I was 192 pounds with a 33 inch waist.  Those jeans looked good.  And I hadn't worn the things since halfway through 2008.  I told them that I keep the jeans on top of a dresser in my bedroom and I see the pair every day.  And every day I see them I think...soon....soon.  

I own four pairs of day to day, wear them to work jeans.  There was a time when I did not realize you could wear jeans more than once before you had to throw them in the washer.  Technically this morning I could have easily selected one the pair I had worn earlier in the week.  However, I had hit the weight goal I was trying to hold for the last week (I weight myself nearly every day but the only official data point for myself is taken on Thursday morning).  I could have selected one of those jeans and been fine.  For some reason, however, I wondered what the celebration jeans felt like.  I knew I was ten pounds out (202 currently), but I was down fifteen pounds since starting the program in November.  I felt good.  I felt that maybe...maybe they wouldn't be impossible to button.

They fit.  

A bit snug, but I did not have to do any crazy contortions or breathing tricks to button them up.  They fit!  

So I wore them and felt great about myself all day.  In another 10 weeks I will hopefully be back to the 192 level where I was at the end of 2007.  Regardless, I feel better about myself.  I still haven't figured out that companionship thing yet, but I am not terribly worried about it right now.  One thing at a time.  One pound at a time.  It's Friday, my old jeans fit me, and I had sushi for dinner.  Life is good.

.

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About Me

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Geek - Gamer - Librarian - Writer. Only awesome at one of those things at a time, unfortunately.

About Fading Interest

After writing op-eds and travelogues for several years, after finishing a few books, and after failing to get the ball rolling with project after project I stumbled into an idea that might just hold my interest long enough to enjoy some level of satisfaction with my writing.